"Hey Bob do you want to
go to the new reptile garden?" asked Bobby.
"Ya sure" said
Bob, "can we invite Billy Bob Jr.?"
"Why
not" replied Bobby. “Let’s go ask
him.”
Later
that day all three were stuck in traffic. When they got to the reptile garden
they saw a…
Snake!
They ran
and looked behind them and saw that the snake was shivering. As it shivered, they
stopped and went to see what was going on. As they approached the snake it
jumped up at them and bit Bobby! Bobby was dead.
“Shoot!”
Said Bob, “he owed me 5 bucks! Oh well.”
Hi Jerrad, what a sense of humour you have there! I loved the ending to this piece. Clever indeed. I liked that you used asked and replied as your saying verbs, instead of said. I also liked how you broke up the spoken words in the last line. For improvement, think about your use of pronouns, can you think of different words here. For example, instead of 'they stopped' could you have used 'the men stopped' to give more clarity and interest to the reader. Thanks for sharing your work with us.
ReplyDeleteMiss P (Team 100WC)
I like how you wrote "Shoot!" Said Bob."He owed me five bucks! Oh well." Instead of writing said you should try to write yelled.
ReplyDeleteI like the part where you said shoot he owed me 5 bucks.But you could have added a better starting.You didn't say anything about billy bob junior.
ReplyDelete